Secretarian violence in Iraq

I don't know how long this thing will last, but I decided that I have to warn my kids, at the very least, of the dangers of getting older. I tried to warn them to stay away from drugs, alcohol and republicans, all of the usual things that keep parents awake at night. The most insidious danger out there however, is getting older (saying "getting older" rather than "old" implies that you haven't reached that state yet, in other words, rationalization).
I reached this conclusion as a result of ever increasing occurrences of hearing things incorrectly. I used to laugh at these situations when they happened to other people. Someone on TV says something like "there has been a sharp increase in the instances of sectarian violence in Iraq."
I immediately envision an office in Baghdad with burqaed secretaries in a steno pool with uzi's and lots of bloodshed. I remark about this to my wife and she just sighs and shakes her head "He said 'SECTARIAN' not 'SECRETARIAN' violence, you deaf moron." I find my wife's tolerance for me dipping about as much and as quickly as her tolerance for lactose. (That's "LACTOSE" not LA CROSSE).
Anyway, this is the first in what I hope will be many insightful, irreverent and humorous posts with an eye toward educating my kids (heaven knows they have educate me!) and anyone else that cares to listen. To give the benefit of my vast experience , and to occaisionally provide guideposts on the road of life. Wait, here comes one now...

"TAKE CARE OF YOUR %&$#@*& GUMS!"

Love
Dad