"Samsung HD46N600 Where Are You?"

It has been awhile since I felt the urge to vent, but this holiday season my struggles with massive retail technology conglomerates, have been enough to make me want to chew my own foot off. As usual this battle with anonymous, sanctimonious brain dead techno geeks was able to reduce me to a sobbing lump of carbon based life form, crying like a little girl and rueing my actual birth.

As usual, the situation began sedately enough, with the decision the day after Thanksgiving to venture (finally) into the wonderful world of high definition television. No more showing up at the homes of friends or strangers begging to be let in just in time to catch the Super Bowl (oops, copyright violation, sorry NFL, I meant "The Big Game"). Friends will usually (grudgingly) permit access, however it is a real gamble with strangers. They generally can seem a tad put out.

When I made the decision I had forgotten the cardinal rule of moving up in the technology world (for anything) which is, I would have been much better off just going out back and setting fire to $1000. My bouts with keeping up with advances are legend. Over the years, I have taught my children a whole new language(something between a cross of English and drunken marine corps ese), kicked enough inanimate objects (hard ones) to produce an arthritic lump on my big toe the size of a blimp and alienated more customer service techs than Dick Cheney at gun control convention.

I, after several years of computer and internet use, felt very comfortable in purchasing my product online and having it shipped within my lifetime to my home. So confidently I signed on to one of the larger electronics mega stores website, found a TV that would suit my modest needs (serving cold beers seemed a needless frill) and made my purchase with our credit card. Steeeeerrrrrriiiiiiikkkkkkke One!

Now this crud example of an electronics store which shall remain nameless (although its name is BEST BUY!) gave me a delvery date of either Monday or Tuesday of the following week. Ha ha what great kidders those people at Best Buy are. After waiting both days for my new TV and having heard squat from the store I decided to investigate. Long story short, by Thursday I was able to determine (from several "customer service" reps whose Xmas card lists I can safely say I am no longer on) that my new TV is at least, somewhere in the galaxy. I was able to cancel the order with little problem (I guess they've had some experience with cancelled orders) and embarked foolishly on another quest for the latest in sports viewing maginificance, such was my passion to be able to see all my favorite Cleveland teams get the living beejesus kicked out of them, in all of their 1080p glory.

After an online search we were able to find a store at a place called "Van's Electronics" which had the exact same TV for $100 less than Best Buy. They promised delivery in approximately 10 days. And sure enough UPS showed up 10 days later with a box that could have been used to ship aircraft carriers, containing our new TV.
Whilst waiting for the arrival of the television, I drove to the local purveyor of hi def cable television goodness and aggravation, a company well known for intelligent technological staff and customer service, who shall likewise be nameless but in reality is called Time Warner Cable. I was assured by the brain dead lump of carbon which passes for "customer service representative" at TWC, that the cable box (had to be replaced within a day) and HDMI cable she gave me was all that I would need for a "complete hi def TV experience." Strrrrriiiiiikkkkkkkkke TWO!

But I, the eternal and patient optimist (just ask my kids, they'll tell you) drove home and awaited the delivery of my TV with baited breath. Once the TV arrived and was unpacked and assembled, the real fun began. I can safely say my experience with Time Warner over the next several days was equivilent to the treatment reveived by Groucho Marx in this clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2ZpJkK-ZbM which you need to cut and paste to view. Suffice to say I spent roughly as much time asking, pleading, begging and ranting with customer service, techs and total strangers (again, off the xmas card lists) than I spent preparing for the bar exam. During that time I discovered that the TV I bought, which supposedly has the highest resolution out there, is worthless because no one actually broadcasts in 1080p, the HDMI cable I got from the kind rep at TWC, was not the kind of cable I actually needed, and my wife (who is a tad more tolerant than I) succeeded in being bilked out of $80 to buy the absolute best HDMI cable in the universe from a Best Buy "expert" in a laudable attempt to reduce my blood pressure to somewhere below 5,000/4,000.

The final straw came several days after Christmas (which was great with the family by the way) when, in attempt to modify my office phone set up (provided by guess who? TWC) and using the automated system when I pressed the "0" key as instructed by the mechanical voice, and found myself speaking with some bewildered lady from St. Louis who had been checking her voicemail on service provided by...I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count, and who suffered through the same service I had foolishly signed up for. STRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKE THREE! GAME, SET AND FREAKIN' MATCH.

Well, as you can see some people (me) never learn, now if you'll excuse me, I hear that somewhere, someone is selling something called 3D TV and I can't wait to have Eric Mangini (evidently not for long) right there in my living room and within booting range!

Love
Dad