"Where's the F$&*% Beef?" or "I Pity the Cow"

Somewhere along the line, I insanely agreed to swear off meat for 3 weeks. Easy right? We are approaching the 18th day and I wish someone would just poke a sharp stick in my eye. What was I thinking? I know it's supposed to be good for me but I could have eased into this insanity in small steps. A bean burrito here, a potato pierogi there. But NNNNNOOOOOOOOO. I had to cold turkey it (I would kill for a cold turkey right now). As an example of the culinary torture I have put up with, I give you tonight's mouth watering menu. For starters there was vegetable cabbage rolls. If you ever had my mother's unbelievable concoction of this Hungarian delight, then you know what a sacrilege this is. I mean, come on! VEGETABLE &*$%in' CABBAGE ROLLS! Am I completely nuts? Oh sure, you fill it with something called "TVP" which stands for "textured vegetable poop" and no matter how much you spice it, dice it or smother it in vodka, it still tastes essentially like soggy cardboard but with way less flavor.
To Sandy's credit she has been a trooper in this struggle against nature, which has given me the disposition of a badger placed in a box, shaken for about 3 days and then let out in a crowd of deranged bulldogs. Now, normally I am the picture of cheer and good tidings for all, as anyone in my family will tell you. But for the last three weeks I have beens sullen, pouty and short tempered. Much like a cranky John Boehner without his daily, lobbyist funded, 35 course lunch.
Let me give you an example. Sandy and I decided to go grocery shopping together to pick up a view things to get us through this torture. Probably not a good idea. Anyway, while in the soup aisle we had a "discussion" about the kind of soup to buy, and finally I blew up and said "look we're giving up meet, for God's sake let me have the salted soup!" And of course, everyone in our checkout line knew we were the ones arguing over mushroom soup with or without salt. We were asked to not return.
I mean tell me. What the hell is this all about. Spinach ravioli? Vegetarian chili? And let's not forget the greatest abomination on earth...the freakin' "VEGGIE BURGER!" Veggie burger? Crap, make mine a triple with everything! C'mon man, a burger must have some filling that actually had parents.
Please help me people. I know that red meat has a few drawbacks, but what in life doesn't? Cholesterol, high blood pressure and colitis? But give me a break. I know "bowling ball" is not exactly the "otimal" ody shape, but as I transition from one foot on 60 and the other on a banana peel, to full blown Golden Buckeye status, I need some allowances. I've given up smoking just because of a lousy little stroke (some doctors just have no sense of humor). I've cut back on sweets and alcohol. What more can I do?
Well people this is where I draw the line! No one can take away my burgers, steaks and Vienna Beef dogs. There is no telling where this will lead.I've become a new man! I'm standing up to those who say they are just trying to "help me." HELP ME? You wanna help me? Start by getting me a 5 pound beefburger with cheese and mayo, between a bun of 2 Tbones. I wish I hadn't said that. I'm dying here. Well, I don't care. No one is gonna push me around anymore. From now on I eat what I want to eat.
By the way, don't mention this to Sandy or my kids, ok?

Love
Dad