I AM DANNIELYNN'S FATHER!

OK, it's fess up time. I know Sandy will be hurt, but I have to come clean (in a nice way, I mean) because this has been eating away at me for several seconds now. I know you may find this hard to believe, even shocking, but I swear every word is true. I'll even take a polygraph. I'm not sure what I'd do with it, but I would take one. It happened, well, about nine months before little Dannie pooh shuffled on to this mortal coil.
I wouldn't have brought it up, but seeing as how everyone else on the planet is making the claim, even some women, I figured "hey, why not, we live in the same hemisphere." That gives me as much a shot as being the father as any of the other morons lining up for DNA testing.
Anyway, as I said, it happened, as is the usual case within the gestation period of the normal human being. As I recall, we were at Hef's mansion, I often am invited there for parties and I hate to say it, the ladies just can't keep their hands off me. Anyway, she approached me and we chatted, as I recall, about the latest nuclear physics theory making the scientific rounds. We gabbed for hours over the bubbly and the next thing I know, Anna was having her way with me. I tried to tell her I wasn't that kind of guy, but her ardor knew no bounds. Thus, we made love madly and passionately for seconds.
I know for a fact that my incredible virility had worked its magic, as the onset of her morning sickness occurred in record time. She was hugging the porcelein idol before I got my zipper up. So there you have it. Me and Anna. Who'da thunk it? So now, I have to raise little Dannielynn on my own. Not to mention her inheritance. Oh, the trevails of the single parent, but I will get through it, and Sandy and I will be a better, stronger couple because of it. At least once I get her foot out of a place that was not anatomically designed, at least technically, as a receptacle.
OK, OK you all know I've been fibbing. As Sandy reminds me, several centuries ago, I had an operation that put me in, what my friend Mike calls "the X'd out club." So I guess it would be a little far fetched to actually be little Dannie's actual father. But, I only said it out of concern for the poor little child now faced with a life of uncertainty and what to do with millions of dollars.
I also never expected for a minute the national news media, (motto: what does journalistic integrity, decorum and respect have to do with selling ads?) might pick up the story and spend as much time on a lurid tragic story as they would on something as mundane as 9/11.
So I guess I won't have the opportunity to become a media star this time. Wait a minute, I forgot, I am announcing my candidacy for president in the year 2016. Yeah, that's the ticket. Better to announce early and often as Dennis Kucinich would say. So, ok all you news wires, here is your scoop. AP, UPI, Reuters? Hello? Is there anybody out there? Hello?
OK, how about this? I have decided to pass a resolution saying that I disagree with the escalation (AKA "surge") of the journalistic blathering and slaveishness to tripe that is currently the standard for all television "news" casts. It will, of course, be non binding. That'll show em.

Love
Dad