For God's Sake, Just Say "No" to CPAP!

You had to know it was too good to last. I had to turn up again sometime. Well, here I am. I figured that after being force fed Obama, McCain and Hillary (wasn't there a song by that name? No wait, that was "Abraham, Martin and John), you might be desperate enough to tolerate my nonsensical ravings.

Several things have occurred recently, that have shaken me out of my normal state of malaise. For instance, I was recently forced to learn what the hell "haiku" (pronounced "Hi-coo") was. It is the Japanese equivalent of "God bless you" and uttered whenever someone sneezes or has to go hunting with Dick (pure evil) Cheney. I'm kidding. It's only used when someone has to read this blog. I kid again, it is actually a style of poetry, sans rhyme schemes. I was forced to learn this (I looked it up on Wikpedia) when my daughter Melanie, er, excuse me, my daughter "Riley Coyote" was "haikued" (in a nice way, I mean) in a derby fan's blog. The blog features various haiku styled tributes to derby girls, their fans and the whole derby military industrial complex. It also, unfortunately for Pa Coyote, features a photo taken of Riley in full derby regalia, but from the, uh how do I say this delicately, behind. I wouldn't normally mind it so much, but the hot pants are way too complimentary. I am afraid a congressman or congresswoman might see it and hire her as a page.

http://derbyhaiku.blogspot.com/2008/03/looney-tunes-gone-bad.html

As bad as having to actually learn something is, what really got my blood to boil was an episode I had involving a switch in health insurance companies and my CPAP, which is a device that treats sleep apnea by forcing air through a mask you strap on your face when you go to bed. CPAP is effective, but makes you look like Chuck Yeager in a death spiral. Anyway my point here is it is a machine, not a drug, or so I thought.

Because of a change in insurance (my wife has coverage through a school system run by people with the administrative skills God gave gravel) my supplier for things like filters, hoses and hash pipes was no longer "in network" which means that my cost went from a mere arm and a leg, to the gross national product of Chile. So, in order to get insurance coverage I had to get an in network pusher, I mean, provider. Easy enough, right? Just make a phone call, right? Wrong, red tape breath! Turns out, you need a prescription. Just like with all the other dangerous controlled substances out there like opium, heroine, and Republican propaganda. A PRESCRIPTION FOR A FREAKIN' MACHINE!

Well, of course, you need a prescription, idiot! We can't sell a filter or a mask to just anybody. This is dangerous stuff in the wrong hands. I mean haven't you heard of the CPAP parties on all the college campuses, ruining the minds and bodies of our young people! Imagine, your own son or daughter huddled in some corner, sucking air through a CPAP mask, laughing maniacally and engaging in connubial relations with aardvarks! Oh my God, the humanity!

Not to mention how the illicit purchases of these machines sends huge quantities of unmarked cash through the CPAP fields in Afghanistan, where the hapless third world farmers toil in the CPAP fields from sun up to sun down, harvesting the ripe filters and face masks and pass on their ill gotten gains to the dreaded CPAP warlords then, on to Al Qaeda! Yes, when you buy illegal CPAP hoses you fund terrorism!

So yes, ladies and germs, write your congressman, counsel your children to be wary. This CPAP menace must be stopped and stopped NOW! The future of mankind is at stake! Failure to act now may result in this (insert music from "Psycho" shower scene here)...



To protect the innocent!

Damn, I need a martini.


Love


Dad