For God's Sake, Just Say "No" to CPAP!

You had to know it was too good to last. I had to turn up again sometime. Well, here I am. I figured that after being force fed Obama, McCain and Hillary (wasn't there a song by that name? No wait, that was "Abraham, Martin and John), you might be desperate enough to tolerate my nonsensical ravings.

Several things have occurred recently, that have shaken me out of my normal state of malaise. For instance, I was recently forced to learn what the hell "haiku" (pronounced "Hi-coo") was. It is the Japanese equivalent of "God bless you" and uttered whenever someone sneezes or has to go hunting with Dick (pure evil) Cheney. I'm kidding. It's only used when someone has to read this blog. I kid again, it is actually a style of poetry, sans rhyme schemes. I was forced to learn this (I looked it up on Wikpedia) when my daughter Melanie, er, excuse me, my daughter "Riley Coyote" was "haikued" (in a nice way, I mean) in a derby fan's blog. The blog features various haiku styled tributes to derby girls, their fans and the whole derby military industrial complex. It also, unfortunately for Pa Coyote, features a photo taken of Riley in full derby regalia, but from the, uh how do I say this delicately, behind. I wouldn't normally mind it so much, but the hot pants are way too complimentary. I am afraid a congressman or congresswoman might see it and hire her as a page.

http://derbyhaiku.blogspot.com/2008/03/looney-tunes-gone-bad.html

As bad as having to actually learn something is, what really got my blood to boil was an episode I had involving a switch in health insurance companies and my CPAP, which is a device that treats sleep apnea by forcing air through a mask you strap on your face when you go to bed. CPAP is effective, but makes you look like Chuck Yeager in a death spiral. Anyway my point here is it is a machine, not a drug, or so I thought.

Because of a change in insurance (my wife has coverage through a school system run by people with the administrative skills God gave gravel) my supplier for things like filters, hoses and hash pipes was no longer "in network" which means that my cost went from a mere arm and a leg, to the gross national product of Chile. So, in order to get insurance coverage I had to get an in network pusher, I mean, provider. Easy enough, right? Just make a phone call, right? Wrong, red tape breath! Turns out, you need a prescription. Just like with all the other dangerous controlled substances out there like opium, heroine, and Republican propaganda. A PRESCRIPTION FOR A FREAKIN' MACHINE!

Well, of course, you need a prescription, idiot! We can't sell a filter or a mask to just anybody. This is dangerous stuff in the wrong hands. I mean haven't you heard of the CPAP parties on all the college campuses, ruining the minds and bodies of our young people! Imagine, your own son or daughter huddled in some corner, sucking air through a CPAP mask, laughing maniacally and engaging in connubial relations with aardvarks! Oh my God, the humanity!

Not to mention how the illicit purchases of these machines sends huge quantities of unmarked cash through the CPAP fields in Afghanistan, where the hapless third world farmers toil in the CPAP fields from sun up to sun down, harvesting the ripe filters and face masks and pass on their ill gotten gains to the dreaded CPAP warlords then, on to Al Qaeda! Yes, when you buy illegal CPAP hoses you fund terrorism!

So yes, ladies and germs, write your congressman, counsel your children to be wary. This CPAP menace must be stopped and stopped NOW! The future of mankind is at stake! Failure to act now may result in this (insert music from "Psycho" shower scene here)...



To protect the innocent!

Damn, I need a martini.


Love


Dad

Be careful what you ask for, parents!

Recently, last week I believe, I wrote about a trip Sandy and I took to Chicago to enjoy the opening bout of the season for the Windy City Rollers. Our illustrious PhD of a daughter is employed part time for the Manic Attackers as a jammer, blocker and/or explosives expert. That part is beside the point, as I spoke in painful depth of that experience in my last entry. After I wrote it I was rechecking it. I had written toward the end how many of the girls seemed a little disappointed that their own parents didn't get out to see more of the bouts. After rereading this part I said to myself "Self, I wonder how folks in other walks of life feel about attending their child's work or extra curricular activities." For instance, did Luca Brasi regret not having his folks around to watch him "enforcing" for Don Corleone? And if the proud Brasi's had been able to watch their son in action I am pretty sure I know how it would have looked.

Mr. Brasi: "Luca, Luca, Luca! How many times do I have to tell you, the bullet goes BEHIND THE EAR!"

Mrs. Brasi: "SHUT UP! LEAVE HIM ALONE! CAN'T YOU JUST BE SUPPORTIVE FOR ONCE? There, there, Luca darling. If you want to put that bullet through that bad man's eye ball, you go ahead and put it through his eye ball, sweetheart. How about some nice fish for supper?"

etc., At least that's how it would go if it were my family. Or how about maybe Custer's folks?

Mrs. Custer: "When are we gonna just stop and ask for directions, Georgie? Why don't you ask those nice Indians over there?"

Or some others?

Vince Lombardi's Folks on a fall Sunday afternoon in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Mr. Lombardi: "You want my opinion son, give Taylor the ball every time! That Hornung guy is just a pretty boy. Besides, I think he likes to gamble!"

Mrs. Lombardi: "My God, Vinnie, can't you get a decent color scheme? Green and yellow? You know you're going to catch your death if you go out and stand on those sidelines when it's below zero out there!"

Or Hillary Rodham's folks:

Mrs. Rodham: "Hillary, when are you going to stop all this lawyering and politics slop and find a nice boy, settle down and give us some grandkids? How about that nice Bill Clinton fella, he seems like such a nice young man. Very honest and trustworthy, don't you think?"

Mr. Rodham: "Clinton?! Are you out of your mind? Mark my words, that boy is trouble and besides, I think he smokes that wacky tobacky. You hook up with him, Hillary and your out of the will!"

And so on. Anyway, I think my kids have got the idea. We'll let the folks know about the important stuff. Well, eventually anyway. "Oh yeah, I quit my job!" or "By the way, I'm going to be on a roller derby team." Some things parents are just better off not being involved with.

Love
Dad

Springtime: First robin, daffodils blooming and roller derby mayhem!

Another interesting weekend in Chicago (motto: "One toll booth is plenty to handle the driving population of China!). Our reason for returning to the scene of the great "Greektown Easter Bread Caper" (see my last blog) as it has come to be known in Greektown, was to witness another first for our daughter. The first roller derby bout for YOUR Windy City Rollers!! While normally her mother and I would not go out of our way to see our precious little girl get the snot kicked out of her, our other pride and joy, Dustin (I never met a Mimosa I didn't like) Coyote flew in for the inaugural bout from Mexico City. I guess we could hardly bow out. How often do you have the opportunity to be ridiculed by both your children at the same time? By the way, it is evidently the law in Illinois that if you are related to a roller derby girl, you lose birth surname and take on the name given your daughter. So now Sandy, Dustin, Dave and myself are known as the Coyote family. It could be an improvement. You never know. OK, sometimes you do.

Anyway, we decided to surprise our daughter by showing up for the bout even though she insisted for weeks that she didn't want anyone closer than a fifth cousin showing up as she didn't think she would be very good. She needn't have worried, becase at one point, my sweet, charming PhD of a little girl took out a skater on the other team with roughly the same physique as a municipal stadium. Now let me see. She didn't think she would be very good, even though she has the capability of knocking someone into Milwaukee. Makes sense to me. I wasn't surprised as I had seen her use similar techniques when confronting her mother and I for money (I think maybe Dave has seen this side as well. By the way Dave odds are good you'll heal by summer.).

We got to the derby bout via something called a "party bus" which was organized by one of the retired roller derby girls, I believe her name was "Sledge Hammer". You greet her by saying "hello, Ms. Hammer, how's Mr. Hammer and all the little Hammers?" She kindly took our $8 per person to put us on one of those "rides smooth as silk" yellow school buses. I think they use the term "party bus" a tad loosely as your ability to drink beer from a plastic cup while riding in a school bus through the town of Cicero, Illinois (motto: "Anyone could drive if there were no potholes!") is a feat that ranks up there with trying to win a Nobel prize for having invented a more efficient apertoire. Just ask Donald Rumsfeld, George Bush and the rest of good folks that brought you the Iraq war. We finally arrived at the half built, Aztec ruin called the "Cicero Stadium for an evening of entertainment watching fit, pretty girls skating in a circle, trying to kick the bejeesus out of some other poor defenseless skater. Ah, the fun of youth. Parents this is what you get for telling your kids "Stop playing those damn violent video games and get out there and get some physical exercise for God's sake!".

A word, if you will, about a crowd of roller derby fans. To the untrained eye, and mine is as untrained as they come, you might first get the impression that only massively pierced, tattooed, drunken wierdos attend roller derby games. Nothing could be further from the truth, as I left out the adjective "homicidal". I swear this is true, I saw two little girls roughly 5 or 6 years old, made up, by their proud parents I presume, to look like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Alice Cooper. The Cicero "stadium" was packed to the rafters with these folks and I felt extremely under dressed in my jeans, and "Manic Attacker" t-shirt. One saving grace, I was wearing a baseball cap which said "Fish the Smokies" so at least I had an image of a hook on me, if not in actual fact through my nipple or some other random appendage. At least Sandy had the good sense to wear earrings. They weren't straight pins or anything, but I suspect they gave her a pass.

Oddly enough, (or not) they start a roller derby bout with the national anthem. This probably could have been dispensed with as the crowd seemed to have the patriotic fervor that God gave gravel. One mental defective, who shall remain nameless, although his real name is Doug Manley, sang the anthem in roughly the same register as Phoebe Snow on helium. I told his wife Charity that she should dump his sorry ass in favor of a more distinguished, 50'ish man with an abundance of scalp, unburdened by height and the physique of a Greek god's bowling ball. (OK, maybe it was begged, rather than told). There was also a crowd of about 30 "goths" who ignored the anthem altogether and sat through it with their hats on. I think they were all cranky ex-Bush supporters.

After all the pregame hoopla, the bouts got underway. The main event, I think was between the "Hells Belles" and the "Double Crossers". During the bouts the arena announcers, a couple of guys in Liberace Reject wardrobes, whipped the spectators into a frenzy with colorful "play by play" and clever anecdotes. The main event was very exciting as the Belles stormed from behind to overtake and defeat the hated Crossers on the final jam. I was thrilled beyond repair.
Then there was Mel's er, sorry, I mean Riley's bout. It was a close one, but The Fury squeeked by Riley's Manic Attackers by a final score of about 83 to 12. As they say in other sports, it wasn't as close as the score would indicate. However, in a credit to the popularity of the sport, the arena stayed fairly packed to the bitter end of the bout. Riley played blocker and jammer to get her feet wet as she is technically a rookie. She played with a kind of reckless abandon that brought tears to Sandy's and my eyes. Primarily because we could see the wasted investment on her braces going right down the drain. Just kidding, Sandy and I were not the least bit concerned when she was blocked into a cement wall by a Fury player the size of a Buick, which was the case of all the Fury, or when she took one of several spills.

Following the merciful conclusion of the Manic Attackers bout we all boarded the party bus for the return trip to our point of departure for some post bout libation. Our host emporium was a little tavern called "The Cobra" (motto: One barmaid can serve approximately 3,000 customers. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it). Many fans, and a little later the players showed up for post game festivities and stitches. Sandy and I proudly looked on as our precious little roller derby queen signed actual autographs for adoring fans. Several of these fans were clearly blowing about .40 BAC. We sat at a table near the bar which meant we were able to order and get our drinks in a little under 2 hours. I felt bad for those seated in more distant booths, several of whom had skeletonized by the time we left. During the course of the evening, several of the other Windy City Rollers girls stopped by to chat and tell us how much they loved our daughter. We frequently had to make sure we were all talking about the same person. Some girls seemed genuinely surprised that we would make the trip from Cleveland and I heard many express their admiration for parents foolish..., I mean dedicated enough to come all that way. Several players said they wished their parents showed so much spirit. This was coming from girls whose sole purpose in this activity was to split lips, break bones and cause mayhem in general. These same girls then had the nerve to act surprised when their parents had a little trouble showing up to witness the carnage. Anyway girls, don't be too hard on your parents for lacking the capacity to watch their offspring beating or being beaten to a pulp.

I guess that's enough of a rant for now, I'm still recovering, as usual, from the trip and tremendous change of sleep habits.

By the way Dustin, if the Manley's ask for my address or phone number, tell them I'm deceased.

Love Dad

Of religious candles, roller derby and Riley Coyote.

Spent Easter weekend in Chicago (motto: "If you really want to experience the blues, drive the Dan Ryan Expressway!") visiting my daughter and son in law. After spending the equivalent of an ice age negotiating the last ten miles of Chicago freeway, we decided to unwind with my daughter and some of her Manic Attacker roller derby teammates at a local watering hole known as "Quenchers", a tavern I highly recommend if you are looking to collect disability or avoid the draft because of punctured ear drums.

Let me tell you that I had trepidations about my daughter, who is well over 4 feet tall, participating in a sport as physical as roller derby. However, after having a couple of hours to interact with her teammates, I now just want to commit suicide and be done with it.
Just kidding, Mel, I feel much better knowing that you are flying around on skates with characters with names like, "Malice With Chains" "Gigantor" and "Val Capone"! The captain of the team, "Ava Sectomy" a lovely young thing, won the post of captain, mainly for being able to boast having been in 57 bouts with no convictions. I know for a fact, several players have done hard time.

No, really, if you met the Manic Attackers in a dark alley, you would probably be best served to curl up in the fetal position, moan pathetically and just hope your death won't be a long drawn out affair. Seriously, I was amazed that these beautiful young ladies, many with normal, everyday, 9 - 5 careers, are the kind of girls that could turn a mundane activity like roller skating into bone crushing, blood spattering, facial deconstructing mayhem. Mel, I am really glad we spent all that money on braces when you were a teenager.

During the course of the weekend Sandy and I were able to learn many of the ins and outs of roller derby including the names of the positions (jammers and blockers), how points are scored and several of the strategic manuevers used to win the game, (or to efficiently fracture major bones). The primary move for getting a jammer in position to score points (by passing other team's skaters) is via a move called, a big surprise "the whip." This move consists of the bigger and more powerful skaters hurling the jammers ahead with a whip action so they can get around faster (We also learned that Mel's first bout is April 21. For details click the Windy City Rollers link on the sidebar).

I would have thought this would have been it for excitement and education for the weekend, but then again, I am an idiot. On the next day we drove Mel to, another surprise, her sports doctor for a sprained ankle she got walking Elsie and Emma. So she said. Anyway, the doctor's office was right around the corner from Greektown and Sandy and I decided to kill time touring the area. Our first stop was a small shop that sold various incense, magic candles, unusual lotions and other artifacts and it wasn't even called Victoria's Secret. Many of the curios had distinct religious overtones that I had previously been unaware of. For instance, I never knew that you good luck could be yours or that you could assured of great monetary fortune if you just burned a candle with a likeness of the holy redeemer on it. Who knew?

After browsing that shop awhile we went to a small bakery that, wouldn't you know, was very popular with the Greek transplants of Chicago, and happened to be selling Greek Easter breads. Many people were there getting all kinds of treats and Easter breads with a red hard boiled egg baked into the middle of the loaf. When we came in Sandy saw several of the loaves on a display table and started to browse when she was confronted by a Greek lady, about 31/2 feet tall (Sandy's height) and told not to look at those loaves as she was buying all of them for her family. Now Sandy and I thought we had met the roughest, toughest females in all of Chicago at Quenchers. Wrong! A word of advice, do not come between a little old Greek lady on a mission and her pastry purchases for a major Christian holiday. You could wind up being on the wrong end of a well placed Grecian forearm. For a minute I thought we were going to have the Schnitzer's Marble Rye incident from Seinfeld. Fortunately, the misunderstanding was cleared up and they parted the best of friends. The little old lady gave Sandy a friendly kiss on the cheek, as she left the bakery with her fully laden pack mule. She disappeared into a sporting goods store. My guess is to buy a good pair of roller skates.

Well, that's all I have for now, I've gotta get going. I've got a Jesus candle to start burning.

Love
Dad

My daughter be jammin'

I blame myself. I was the one that took up SCUBA at the ripe old age of 54 and encouraged my offspring to take up the fun and adventurous activities while they were young and their bodies had not yet put one foot on rigor mortis and the other on a banana peel. First of all, most parents recognize that their children generally take their advice about as often as the U.S. Congress gets anything worthwhile accomplished. Which is never.
Even so, I thought, well, the kids are smart, both college graduates and Melanie, has spent more time and money on education than God. Surely, my thinking was, they will take up something more strenuous than text messaging and get out there and get into physical activity. I knew that my intelligent, fun loving children would have the sense not to get into something like being money couriers in Baghdad, or go duck hunting with Dick Cheney. No they would never do anything dangerous. I am of course, a total moron!
Melanie, aka Dr. LaForce, called us to proudly announce, not that she is expecting our grandchild, no nothing so mundane as that, but that she is, and I hope everyone is sitting down, going to play on a Roller Derby Team. Get it? That's ROLLER FREAKIN' DERBY! For those of you too young to remember or those old enough but whose brains have been fried by recreational drug use, roller derby is a "sport" where teams of roller skaters fly (and that is somtimes literally the case) around an oval track. The object of the "game" as I understand it is to skate as fast as possible, while rearranging the various anatomical features of the opponents all the while. The first team to make most of their opponents look like a painting by Dali wins.
Is it me, or does someone else out there think this is a tad, uh, risky? First of all, anyone who knows anything about skating knows that the whole premise was dreamed up by someone with two basic characteristics. They were:

1. A guy.
2. Blowing somewhere between three times the maximum legal alcohol limit and dead.

A possible third characteristic may have been he was either a frat president or a phys ed major. I mean think about it. Who else would be sitting around one day, after consuming large quantities, and come up with the major brainstorm of "I know, let's put wheels on shoes and see what happens. That should be fun"!
To give you an idea of how much "fun" this roller derby stuff can be is, Mel sent me an email seeking advice. Was it "How do I get in shape for this"? Or "How do I keep my balance while some 300 pound gorilla is treating my face like her own personal game of whackamole"? No, she asks "Hey dad, do you know where I can get some disability insurance"? DISABILITY FREAKIN' INSURANCE! Are you kidding me? She's not even 30 for God's sake!
But, that is the price you pay for being a parent. You love, nurture and teach your kids not to go out and do anything stupid and the next thing you know, they're getting married. Just kidding Dave. However, this is confusing, I don't know what to say to my kids anymore. I was thinking of recommending more education to my son, but he is liable to run off and go to law school or something.
I just need some time I guess to get used to this. I got used to the kids leaving home, moving to Chicago, and to some extent, body piercing and tatoos. I want to be supportive of my children even when they decide to do things that make my own skin crawl. Like eating sushi. Anyway, be careful out there and know that your mom and I are behind you. We damn well aren't going to be participating, but we're behind you.

For anybody interested her team is the Windy City Rollers www.windycityrollers.com/league/


Love
Dad